The Time I Sent The Fish Back

"Is the cod fresh?"

The waitress, who is blonde and sweet and young, beams with pride. "Yes, of course it is," she says. "Just in this morning."
I order the cod. It arrives steaming hot, with perfect mound of mashed potatoes. I poke it with my fork. The fork sticks in it, quivering.
I lift it to my mouth, waiting for the flaky goodness to melt on my tongue. It does not melt. I chew. After concerted effort, it separates into stringy fibers. This is not fresh, unless fresh now means freshly defrosted.

What to do?

The girl looks so sweet. Somebody's daughter. A student maybe. Possibly waiting tables in order to pay for her degree in nuclear engineering.We are in New England. With clean salty ocean air only minutes away.

"Is the fish ok?" she asks. She looks worried. She should look worried. Still, I hesitate, not wanting to hurt her feelings. "If it's not," she adds, "you can have something else. It's really not a problem."

Remorse. The girl is dying with remorse. She knew the fish was frozen. But she lied about it. Now she wants to make amends.

"A salad," she suggests. "Would you like a salad? I'm really sorry about the fish."

"Thank you," I say, gratefully. Glad for the both of us.

5 great tips for turning 55

Aging, especially for women, brings challenges. But also rewards. Here are five great tips for enjoying life after 55.

1) Your children should not only be cooking for themselves, but also, occasionally, for you.

2)  You will almost always sleep better and wake up feeling brighter if you eat little or nothing after 6pm

3)  If you do not know how to blow dry your hair attractively, now is a good time to learn.

4)  Unless you work in a dry cleaner, laundry is not your job. It is time to let family members in on the secret.

5)  If you are hoping for a promotion at work, don't wait any longer to speak to the the boss about it.

Have tips you want to share? Add them to the comments...


about the author:
Geena Heart's Lifehacks for Over Fifty will be released in 2017.

Trump Experts Interview Each Other

It's always interesting to listen to what the experts have to say. Following Donald Trump's win in the presidential elections, May Shroom, Professor of Political Sophistry at Expensive University interrogates Banan A Peel, CEO of Dark Money Think Tank.

Banon A Peel: Trump. Well, well. Didn't see that one coming, now, did you?

May Shroom: Actually Banon, our models showed Trump losing the popular vote, and we were dead on right about that.

BAP: Congratulations. Now that The Donald is President Elect, what insight can you give us into his goals?

MS: The main goal - to get revenge on all those comics who made fun of him - that's been achieved. President Obama and Seth Meyers are probably pretty much regretting those jokes they made now.

But is revenge a clear enough guideline by which to pilot a country in the 21st century?

Certainly. Especially coupled with profit. I'd be surprised if The Donald didn't make some pretty fantastic returns on this investment.
"Revenge and profit" is, by the way, a much easier doctrine to understand than "Monroe" or "Containment".

Trump's just joking about throwing Clinton in jail and silencing the press, isn't he?

Remember that game show, The Price Is Right? The climax was always that moment when the contestant had to decide to risk everything in order to see what was behind the curtain. I think that about sums up the situation today.

Hey Carol Merrill, what's behind door number three! Loved that show! So you're saying that America just voted out of curiosity to see what might be hidden behind the curtain?

A people gets bored. A people gets tired of blenders and sensible shoes. A people wants a little excitement. That's why we skydive and take ecstasy. Which is a pretty good description of what we just did.

But did we do it? What about those who say "it was the Russians wot done it"?

Lenin once said that capitalists would sell you the rope to hang them with. That's why he will make such a great Secretary of State.

I thought Trump named Tillerson?

Right, right. I get them confused. There was also some talk about Carly "The Face" Fiorina.

What is the place of Christianity in this administration? Is Trump as religious as he looks?

Absolutely. Christianity occupies a prime place in the Trump administration, like in Elmer Gantry

Wall Street has greeted the election of Trump with enthusiasm. The Dow has been hitting record highs. Is that because they are convinced he will be a good manager?

Ha ha. That's a good one. They've just blown off the doors and window and there's self driving cars and drones to spirit the stuff away.  Ever heard of the ransacking of Rome? Totally small potatoes compared to what is coming.

Featured submission humor: To be old or not to be old, that is the question

Jane M Handel

We are delighted to feature this humorous take off on Hamlet's famous To Be or Not To Be speech, by writer Jane M. Handel.

SOLILOQUY

by Jane M. Handel (with apologies to W Shakespeare)

To be … old or not to be … old, that is the question

Whether tis nobler to stick around longer even if you’ve lost the plot

To carry on battling with your arm in a sling or the wheelchair of outrageous agedness

Or to throw in the towel, give-up and bugger off.

To die, to sleep. To be no more

And by this sleep end the fear of heart attack and the thousand bumps and shocks that wrinkled flesh is prone to.  It is a very tempting quick fix

To die, to sleep, To sleep, perchance to dream – oh shit – there’s the rub

Featured Submissions: This Is My Quest, To Follow That Star By Roz Warren

The Mature Women's Guide to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness is delighted to feature selected submissions. This week, an essay from author Roz Warren.

Rosalind Warren and Jonathan Coulton

This Is My Quest, To Follow That Star

By: Roz Warren 

Some people love adventure travel. Others seek luxury and comfort. There are globetrotters who head off to a new destination each time, and folks who always return to one much-loved place.  

My nephew Isaac travels to wherever his favorite soccer team is playing, which has brought him to the unlikely vacation venues of Manchester, Stuttgart and Malmo (Sweden.) 

My travel planning is all about Jonathan Coulton.

JoCo is a singer songwriter much loved by a devoted fan base of mostly twenty-something computer nerds. Although you’ve probably never heard of him, on the internet he’s a superstar.